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Pink Wallpaper

August 1, 2022

I am creating a slideshow for my Dad’s memorial which is this Sunday, compiling pictures that span my life and his. I’m at the tail end of twenty years of being pregnant, raising kids, being a wife. My mom is talking about moving to a retirement home near me. My aunts and uncles are all in their 90s. My dog is turning 13. My husband and I are figuring out how to start Todd-and-Anh-2.0. 

It’s a confluence of life changes.

As a cherry on the cake, I have spent the night in 25 different beds in the past 8 months traveling all over tarnation to visit people. I’m burned out. I’ve hit a wall.

I’m giving myself nine months. Nine months to finish the book I am co-editing about Kirkwood, California. Nine months to promote My Happier Mind Cue Cards as truly, madly, and as deeply as I can to the entire world, to write blogs, to reach out to try to support others’ mental health. I’m also giving myself nine months to not freaking criss-cross the globe a million times, to stay in one damn bed as much as I can. From now until June, I am going to try to gently teach myself to switch off Anh-On-Demand and put myself first.

I want to put pink wallpaper in my office, get a pink chandelier, take up Taiko drumming, swim, remember more often to drink water, hang with girlfriends, and get a whole damn new wardrobe.

I want to take off Mommy-Mantel, and put on Anh-Mantel. I want to watch my kids soar, support them, cheer them on, but I want to see myself do the same thing. I want to support hubby in his new chapter, but I don’t want to be under his wing or at his beck-and-call. I’m not a bell-boy. I’m not a Beefeater. I’m not a Secret Security Agency protecting everyone from everything. I am a me and I’d like to see her polished and shined again.

Can I do it? Can I muster up the discipline to ask myself what I need? Can I have the courage to say “no thanks! i’m gonna paint the wall pink!” Can I be me while supporting the people I love? Can I love them without giving them my entire soul? All of my time? Will they know that I love them if I don’t slay myself for them?

I’m not sure how to do this. But I think pink wallpaper is a good start.